You ain’t shit

Today, I got to this point. No, not rock bottom. No, not the point I gave up. The point when I looked around to see.. you aint shit. I look back at the four years of my life waiting for a chance with you. Bending and breaking my back for you to look at me over and over, day by day, and tell me just keep waiting. All the while you give all the effort to someone else.

There’s never been once I’ve strayed. When you see that you do EVERYTHING for someone and they still cannot give you the chance you deserve and they say you deserve.. something needs to click and tell you to move the hell on. Ask any of my friends, I’m probably the worst and the best person to give this advice. I look in the mirror and my reflection is determined by how you are treating me that day, which varies. I don’t get mad and go find a bandaid of another person, I stay thinking of a way to fix it.

 The point of this isnt to say my feelings or even get support or sympathy it’s because i spent atleast a total of a month curled up crying so hard wondering if other people go through this. I’m twenty old, I didn’t have a date to senior prom for him, he didn’t come to my graduation like he said he would, every broken promise or deliberate pain inflicted on me I made excuses. I blamed myself to a point where i still do.

Until you decide you’re worth it, you’ll never get better. The moment you say I deserve better is the moment you should realize you do. For four years I had every single person who knew me better than others tell me “what in the hell”. I still to this day think the world of you and if i texted you now I would get something back and could start the cycle again but that’s all it will  ever be. A cycle of endless disrespect, pain, and undeserved effort from me.

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“I love YOU not the girls I cheat with”?

I’m the most guilty for trying to be the perfect girl for a man I think is perfect. At the beginning it wasn’t asking alot.. You know I tell him when I went, with who, and stuff like that. I thought that was just respectful. Never texted guys back and dropped one of my best guy friends, just trying to be respectful. However, now it’s checking into my GPS app he has on my phone everytime I go somewhere so I dont do something wrong. It’s letting him walk on me just for the hope that maybe he’ll quit and realize that I have been here through it all.
Where did all this need for control come from? Did I give the green light to let him slowly do it or was it that he needed more and more and I gave it?
The past few years I’ve been broken. I have been changed. And I will forever be damaged because of this relationship/addiction I put myself through daily.
It is hard to let go when youve been told everyday that you cannot find better and I’m lucky just to have what I have.
I do believe that. Even when he does something wrong I still thank him for even talking to me. When he strays from our relationship I put myself in his shoes and try to understand that it is hard for him to say no. But why can I say no to straying? Quickly push that out of my head.. If I try to reverse it things get heated, I don’t want that. He threatens to leave, I can’t have that. It’s a relationship where I stay loyal and he does what he wants and at the end of his night out or his day well spent with whichever girl he says I love YOU.
Only now have I began to question is it love, lust, or just the love that he has of controlling me? Does him being with another girl hours before me suddenly become okay if he tells me I am the one he loves and not her? Does he say that same thing..

I wonder if anyone else goes through this or if everyone else is just so sane they would never put up with it.

Why should I have to wait for you to be ready?

So for almost four years I have waited on you hand and foot? Never questioning your love for me even when you strayed.. Now you are with someone else while telling me to wait?
“I fucked up when I let her in” but now every weekend you do something that we’re supposed to be doing? You have a secret phone just to speak to me?
I have to thank you everyday for having this phone because I am SO thankful I get to speak to you about my day.. But why keep me a secret?
I’ve spent years being broken down, sculpted, and conforming to exactly the person you want me to be and it’s still not good enough.

August 30th

From that moment we were so deep and not even realize what the hell we were doing.

Every moment we could we would see each other. Sneaking around cause work.. We would be so dead, but for some reason we didn’t stop. There was a day we were walking at the park, pretty ballsy given what I just said. We sat at this table across the bridge from everyone else. It was beautiful and something I will never forget. Sitting in the middle of this circle with yellow, fall trees around us we agreed that we would stop this on August 30th. By now it was probably the 3rd which gave us a month to enjoy each other’s company and not get too attached, seems reasonable.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that we spent this whole month inseparable. He took me out on his Harley, we talked for hours on end on the phone poking each other’s minds, he even took me to his house to see his fat, slobbery dog (which not many people get to do haha). It also doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that when August 30th rolled around.. We couldn’t bring ourselves to stop. We looked at each other after getting lunch and having a picnic and said well “do you know what day it is?” “Yeah… I don’t wanna stop” “yeah me either”.

I couldn’t see past him and if I had I’m sure I wouldve still ignored the long, hard road ahead of us.

 

Longey but a goodey

We could really get in trouble for me making this blog but for the most part I will give every detail possible, sparing details for the sake of us.

There was one day in particular I realized I had not even realized this beautiful man I spoke to almost daily. I knew hardly nothing at all about him other than his mom did almost everything for him, he studied criminal justice with zero intent on using it, and he was the most interesting person already. What i didnt know was he was about to turn my world {on its head}.

We spent weeks jibber-jabbering at work about us, the past, the future, the everything. Then we would go home, i can only speak for myself on this but all i did was wait until then next chance we could pick each others mind. I spent my days and nights day dreaming and really dreaming what he was like all the time, how he said it, what made him say it. Finally my seventeenth birthday rolls around and I wake up to an anonymous text saying happy birthday and telling me to stop drooling on my pillow PS I don’t drool…. Same day i ran into work to see everyone and see him sitting in the office as i am leaving. I asked if he really thought he was gunna he away without wishing me happy birthday?! “Maybe I already did” as he gave me that smile that could melt me into the floor to this day. My heart fluttered out of my chest, he actually thought to text me today. Not byt a couple day after this i left work as he was coming in and i put his windsheild wipers up, something small just to get his attention ofcourse. I was on my way home when my phone begins to ring, I pick it up to hear him saying “so you think that would get my attention….. Welll… Youre wrong!” {Didnt seem like I was too awful wrong haha}. From that moment we haven’t stopped talking. Once we got off the phone we texted, he said good night and good morning. Seemingly enough we were just good friends for a while, he had me captivated as much as I had him.

One night we closed together everyone had left, as we were clocking out he looks at me and says “you ready?” Giving me that smile and it was literally like my stomach fell into my butt lol. The only words I could utter to say were “for what…” He gets in my Jeep and tells me where to maneuver my car so no one sees and takes me inside. He sends me on a tour and I pretend to be interested but it’s so damn hard when he’s standing in the door way with his hand proped up leaning on it looking like the sexiest thing to ever walk to freaking planet. After I take a looksey I begin walking back and all of a sudden, he turns the light off and kisses me. Kissing turns into make out and he notices my  body is shaking so bad. I. Cannot. Fathom. I. Am. With. You. Right. Now. I couldn’t even breathe.

This man is almost 6’5″, sandy blonde short hair, blue eyes, and the whitest most beautiful teeth. How did I manage this? It’s getting late and I need to get home, but can I even walk without my legs billowing beneath me? Lol As I drove him back he kisses me twice before getting out and tells me goodnight. My heart aches, that’s the moment in which I realize I never want to see him leave again.

Off my chest

I live in a small town. With small town problem’s, small town gossip, and all the fixin’s. There arent many places you don’t run into someone you know or even once thought you knew.

With that being said, when you fall in love with someone here it’s usually someone you have known your entire life and know almost every detail about them. That was not my case. I fell for an amazing man, in an amazing way that was nothing short of completely and utterly the best time in my short 20 now–17 at the beginning– years.